{"success":true,"data":{"id":"3c68dfcb-e2f1-46ad-a2fe-ff836919e437","title":"Years Ago, My Friend Cut Me Off Without a Word. Now I’ve Discovered My Husband Is to Blame.","summary":"AccountAccountSign out Menu Menu Light Light Dark Auto Light Light Dark Auto Years Ago, My Friend Cut Me Off Without a Word. Now I’ve Discovered My Husband Is to Blame. For nearly 20 years, it’s been radio silence. Advice by Michelle Herman July 11, 2026 8:00 AM Photo illustration by Slate.","content":"*   Account[Account](https://slate.com/account)[Sign out](https://slate.com/sign-out)  \n\nMenu Menu\n\n Light \n\n Light  Dark  Auto \n\n Light \n\n Light  Dark  Auto \n\n# Years Ago, My Friend Cut Me Off Without a Word. Now I’ve Discovered My Husband Is to Blame.\n\n## For nearly 20 years, it’s been radio silence.\n\n Advice by [Michelle Herman](https://slate.com/author/michelle-herman)\n\nJuly 11, 2026 8:00 AM\n\nPhoto illustration by Slate. Photos by [Ridofranz](https://www.gettyimages.com/search/2/image?artistexact=Ridofranz)/Getty Images Plus and chanakon laorob/Getty Images Plus.\n\nOnly Slate Plus members can gift Slate stories. [Become a member](https://slate.com/plus?redirect_uri=https%3A%2F%2Fslate.com%2Fadvice%2F2026%2F07%2Fmarriage-advice-friend-husband-no-contact.html%3Fvia%3Drss) to share 10 free articles a month.\n\n_Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column._**Have a question for Care and Feeding?**[**Submit it here**](https://forms.gle/4BXEw8Wtcd7aAyXh9)**.**\n\n**Dear Care and Feeding,**\n\nMany years ago, when my husband, “Jonathan,” and I were in our 20s, a dear friend, “Calvin,” was diagnosed with cancer. He often leaned on me for emotional support, and I did the best I could to listen to and console him. Calvin called me at all hours of the night, and often came over to our apartment to talk and vent (his prognosis was unknown, and this caused him great anxiety). About a year after his diagnosis, Calvin got married. We attended his wedding and couldn’t have been happier for him.\n\nBut even though he was now married, Calvin continued to rely on me for emotional support—until, one day, he cut off all contact with me.\n\nI tried calling and texting, emailing, and sending cards to check up on him. Nothing. While it hurt, I accepted that a life-changing diagnosis can mean reprioritizing relationships. Fast-forward nearly 20 years, and I came across an online post that Calvin made about me. He said I had betrayed him. He also said that Jonathan had approached Calvin all those years ago with a request to give me space from his intensity.\n\nI don’t think my husband was entirely in the wrong for making this request (I was overwhelmed by Calvin’s ongoing need for emotional support, and Jonathan watched this happen for more than a year), but I am upset that this was done without my consent. Jonathan and I have discussed it, and he has since apologized. Calvin is currently undergoing more treatment for his cancer, and he’s out there somewhere still hurting and feeling betrayed. I am worried about his prognosis. Should I attempt to reach out to him to explain and apologize, or is it best to let this rest?\n\n—Cut Off Without Consent\n\n**Dear Cut Off,**\n\nUnless your explanation is going to be, “I am so, so sorry, my dear friend! Until now, I had no idea that Jonathan had contacted you and told you to step back from our relationship! All these years, I thought _you_ had betrayed me. I miss you, and I love you. I would love to hear from you,” I would let this rest. And even if this were to be your apology, are you prepared to respond to Calvin’s further questions in a way that doesn’t cause him pain?\n\nIf this explanation—which is far from the whole truth, and throws your well-meaning, if out-of-line husband under the bus—is not what you can offer your old friend, leave Calvin alone. He doesn’t need to hear about how he drained and overwhelmed you (he did, of course, and I am not scolding you for feeling that way! But now is not the time for him to hear this) or that even though you’re upset that Jonathan acted without your knowledge, you don’t blame him. It’s too late to fix what went wrong in the past, impossible to go back in time and find a way to gently let your friend know how much you’d be able to shoulder and what you couldn’t handle, and a terrible idea to dredge this up for him when he is undergoing treatment again.\n\nNot to mention that even if you did throw Jonathan under the bus so that Calvin would no longer be so angry with you, his dependency on you, long dormant, might just start up again, and you’d be back where you started.\n\n—Michelle\n\n### More Advice From Slate\n\nI have two children, my daughter “Pam” and a son “Eric,” age 12 and 10 respectively. Until recently, my husband and I were friends with our neighbors “Adam” and “Belinda,” who also have kids around the same age. About a week ago, we were over at their place, and as usual, the adults sat around and chatted in their library while the kids played. Pam was sitting with the adults and plucked a book off the shelf to start reading. Adam noticed almost immediately, said that that particular book wasn’t for kids, took it away from Pam, and offered her a different book instead. [I was curious about the sudden and vehement reaction…](https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/03/daughter-found-neighbors-disgusting-book-parenting-advice.html)\n\n# Never miss new Slate Advice columns\n\nGet the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays.\n\n Thanks for signing up! You can [manage your newsletter subscriptions](https://slate.com/newsletters) at any time. \n\n You're already subscribed to the Advice newsletter. 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